Friday, April 17, 2009
My name is Wendy and I am unemployed. Save your pity, it's not as a result of the current economic meltdown, rather, it stems from an unwillingness on my part to take orders from a tyrannical, evil, tragic waste of skin at my previous employ. Being unemployed by choice is much like being a drug addict by choice, eventually things will get better or you will die, not necessarily in that order.
As an unemployed, I have recently been subjected to a series of bizarre psychological experiments, also known as 'job interviews'. Depending on the industry and position being applied for these awkward meetings usually take place in either a small, poorly ventilated room or a huge, luxurious conference room in the sky with sweeping views of the Brooklyn or Manhattan skyline. If it is the latter, take a good look around because even if you do get the job you will end up in their own version of the former and never be allowed into this room again. It is merely corporate America's version of a shiny red apple. Don't fall for it.
If you're very lucky, you may only have to endure one interview where all relevant decision makers are in the room at one time armed with their own pertinent, relevant questions just waiting for your well thought out, confidently delivered answers. More likely, you will suffer through 30-60 minutes with some middle manager where you both pretend to be something you're not and say exactly what you think they want to hear, which most of the time you have misjudged.
If the middle man is a guy and you are a girl, he will speak solely to your breasts as if they are applying for the job in your place. If he thinks there is a possibility you will get drunk enough at an office party to sleep with him, you will be called back for a second interview where you will repeat the process with a more senior manager. Sometimes there are even third and fourth interviews with people in HR but these are never a reflection of the fierce competition for the job, just a validation for people who have job titles like 'Specialist' and 'Executive' but are not especially knowledgeable or professional and serve no real purpose. If the company trusted their human resources ability I would hazard a guess that these were the first and only people you would meet when applying for a job and your skill set, not your cup size or shagability would be the deciding factor.
Which brings me to the 'Recruitment Agent' who is, for all intents and purposes, a job pimp with an ill fitting, cheap suit and stained teeth in place of the white cane and rabbit fur coat. Be wary of the job pimp. He or she is looking to turn you out for money. They will have you on your knees quicker than you can cover your teeth and they will put you in front of any employer regardless of suitability or your own personal career goals. If you get the job they will take all the credit, if you don't it is all your fault and they will treat you like an over 30 actress in Hollywood and stop returning your calls. These people are the reason for the saying "Cut out the middle man." Like any movie starring Ben Affleck, I suggest you avoid them at all costs.
Confucius said "Find a job you love and you will never work a day in your life." A beautiful philosophy, until it ended up in a fortune cookie produced in a Taiwanese sweat shop. I rest my case.